i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
im six kinds of drunk right now
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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