I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
