you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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