dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
