i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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