Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
