I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
