I skipped work to stalk him.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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