shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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