You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
