the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
