My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
