and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
