I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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