her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
