i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
