I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
