he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
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