worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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