I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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