Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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