Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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