twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
