so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
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