I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
