Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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