The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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