sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
