He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
