can u get pink eye on your cock?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
