While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
