I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
