I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
