Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
