Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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