I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
only you would photoshop your dick
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
