i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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