worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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