Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
