we have pet lesbian snakes
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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