Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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