everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
