i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
