At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
