Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
