I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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