I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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