Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
