If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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