its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
